Evolving..

It’s been roughly four months since I reintroduced myself to spin classes and oftentimes, I feel more like a newcomer than an intermediate level spinner. The bike setup at the gym in Israel is different from the J and the J is different from the one I used while I was in Florida. I’m not always able to push as hard in the sprints and I can’t for the life of me, figure out how to set up the lights on the bike at the J to show my efforts. There are certain instructors I prefer because of their energy and the way they motivate me and there are certain instructors I have shied away from because they are deemed ‘hard.’

This morning, I had planned to go to the J to do the 9:30 spin class with Erin. I’ve been to a few of her classes and I like how she offers instructions/suggestions for the resistance level and RPM, which helps me try to keep up with everyone else. As I passed the white board with the schedule of classes for today, I noticed that someone else was subbing for Erin…someone who is known to be at a pretty high and intense level and someone whose classes I had avoided in the past. But today, I decided that I would stick to my plan and I would take whatever Kate dished out. She took us on some hills and had us do a whole lot of sprints and seat jumps and I have to say that I finished the class, feeling a bit mightier and a wee bit proud of myself.

I could have decided to skip the class today but I really didn’t want to. I could have chosen to stay at home and not brave the roads and stormy weather but I didn’t. I chose to do something hard, or shall I say harder. It wasn’t the hardest thing I have ever done or will ever do…it was somewhat challenging to be one of the less intense spinners in the class but it wasn’t impossible or implausible. It got me out of my comfort zone and allowed me to experience something that I thought I shouldn’t or couldn’t do. And now that I know that I can do it, I will be looking for that harder Monday morning spin class instead of steering clear.

Another Chapter Closed

This morning, I went on a run and then I journaled it, as I do with every run I complete, whether it is on the treadmill, on the pavement, on the trails or a race. The entry I wrote today was the last of the journal book I have been keeping since July 31, 2022 and it gave me a chance to reflect on how far I have come in the last two and a half years.

I am not the same runner or athlete I was when I wrote about my run on July 31, 2022 and I am not the same runner or athlete I was when I journaled in the other running journals I have kept over the last several years (I still keep them in my kitchen drawer, along with various other running mementoes.) The first several posts in this most recent book had very little information about the runs — the date, the distance and the overall pace. As time went on, I filled in the notes section, detailing my routes and at times, I wrote how I felt. In previous journal books, I would write about how I felt but it was more of a confessional, sharing that my stomach was off or my calf ached or my I hadn’t been feeling ‘it.’ It had been so negative and looking back, hard to read as it seemed like I was complaining and it certainly was not inspiring. I remember when I finished the book before this one…I had made the decision to go into this book and journal the run for what it was — the date, the distance, the overall pace — and share my routes and any reflections I could. When I went through the posts this morning and recalled the last two and a half years of running, there were a lot of explanation points and a lot of underlined words. I sounded happier and a little more confident. My paces might have changed over time and I know for certain that my motivation went through one heck of a roller coaster ride last year but I have come out of this time with a better appreciation for what I can do, rather than what I can’t do. When I go out on a run, I can look at my watch simply to make sure I pressed start but I don’t need to see what my pace is because I have learned that running is more about the effort than the time and speed.

I will be starting a new running journal next week and when I do, I am going to try something a bit different. Granted, I will fill in the standard notes of the date, the distance and the overall pace because I wouldn’t want to leave those lines blank. But instead of taking up so much space detailing the route I took, I will write more about how the run really went. Was there a hard hill along the way and how did I approach it? Did I sense a change in my intensity and effort and if so, what was it? A running journal is so much more than a record of the runs in terms of the stats…it’s meant to be a record and better yet, a reflection of the run so that when you look back and say, ‘I remember that’ with a whole lot of explanation points.

Building Myself Back Up

So for two days now, I have been stepping things up with my activity level and reached the 20K mark by the day’s end. It wasn’t because I ran a half marathon or even a 10K. I did it by doing a 5K run and a training session and I also moved around a lot with my steps. Something that seemed out of my reach suddenly became something very much possible and it came pretty easily!

This morning, I did things a little different in terms of my routine. I didn’t get out of bed at 7 and get ready for my run and do it fasted the way I normally do. Instead, I stayed in bed and relaxed, listening to a podcast (after having an handful of nuts as a pre-run snack) and simply taking it easy until – gasp – the nine o’ clock hour came and I got ready for my run. By the time I got washed up and dressed and did a few things in the kitchen, it was almost 9:30. I headed out and stuck to the route I had made up for myself and off I went.

I don’t honestly know if my effort was any better because I ran two hours later than I normally do but I gave it my all. I told myself I would do five miles and I stuck to it, even when I hit four miles and I thought for a moment, ‘four miles is a pretty good run.’ Four miles is indeed a pretty good run but I knew I had it in me to do more and this morning was something of a test I needed to take to prove to myself that not only could I get it done, but I could make it something of a new normal for me if I just believe in myself. Here’s to reaching for the possible!

Reaching For More

Twenty thousand one hundred and forty.

That is the number of steps I took yesterday. I was at 17,000 plus steps by 3:15 PM and then I texted Jeff at 9:15, sharing that I was at 18,965 steps and asked if I get a prize. He called me while he was on a break from work and suggested I go for a 20K.

I had done a 3.3 mile speed interval run early on in the morning and I had done a lot of walking throughout the day but I honestly didn’t think I had reached such a high step count. And when I did reach that high step count of nearly 19,000 steps and I was tired from having been up since 4:30 AM, I accepted Jeff’s not-really-a-challenge-but-kind-of-was-a-challenge. A thousand steps is just about a half mile. I had hopped out of the car (it was in park!) just as Gary was pulling into our garage and I walked through the park that is just behind our apartment complex. That got me about two hundred steps so I walked some more outside while talking to Jeff about the run I had done earlier. I took our conversation inside and walked circles around our kitchen island as my middle daughter looked at me with wonder and amusement. I watched the step count increase as I feverishly did more and more laps until finally…I saw that twenty thousand number!

Up until yesterday, twelve thousand to fifteen thousand steps have been the average goal I try to get in a day. The runs and the spin classes all help tremendously with my reaching that step goal but it’s the staying mobile through the entire day that gets me over the top. Yesterday showed me that I don’t have to go for the status quo. I could have easily taken the 17,900 some steps I had accumulated by the mid afternoon and consider it a great day but I had it in me to keep at it for however long I could. And I did. And when I got up this morning, I was so sure my legs would be tired from all of those steps and I would take it easier but guess what?! I found that my legs weren’t tired and I had it in me to just go for it today, minus the run. I did a 3K walk on the treadmill before breakfast and then I took a three mile walk with a friend and later on, I walked back and forth to town with Gary for a nice lunch.

Reaching for more…

Holding Steady

Last week, Strava told me I was in recovery mode and good job, Hildee.

Today, I’m told that I’m holding steady.

Two weeks ago, I was trending higher.

What gives??? What do I need to do to get a true pat on the back from the Strava bot. I know what I am doing and how much I am doing and how hard or not hard I am working. I just did an interval workout on the treadmill and I was running paces in the 8:35-8:55 minute mile range at times. Granted, it was for 45 seconds at a time but still…I haven’t attempted those kinds of paces in a really long time and I was totally fine doing them. It was pretty intense and it felt good.

I see that updated brava from Strava every Monday and I let it define me. And I let it define me the same way I let the scale define me for decades. Well, I say I don’t need those words on the far left corner of the page to direct me. At the end of the day, I am not doing this for a brava from an app or number on the scale to tell me I am doing a good job. I was out with friends the other night and one of them said my face looks thinner. I hadn’t heard that in years! THAT felt like something that told me I am doing a good job. My clothes are starting to fit me better once again and don’t laugh Jeff, but my knee caps are turning into something I can think about showing off in a…gulp…shorter skirt.

Take that, ‘holding steady…’

Stranger In A Strange Land

I did something this morning that isn’t all that big of a deal yet it kind of was a big deal. I took a spinning class at my in-laws’ golf community fitness center. I say it’s not that big of a deal because spinning has become something of a regular thing for me over the last few months but it kind of was a big deal because I didn’t know a soul in the room.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I got to the spin studio a few minutes before the start of class. I didn’t know how many people would be in the class (there were five besides me) and I didn’t know how challenging the class would be (it was definitely doable but challenging). and The instructor, Daniella, helped me set up my bike and assured me that I could go at my own pace, which I did for the 50 or so minute class.

Showing up today was kind of like when I show up at a race where I don’t know anyone else at the starting line. I get a little nervous but I feel some comfort in knowing that I know what I am doing. No one is paying attention to where the resistance button is set on and no one can see the distance I’ve spun. I was able to keep up with every one of Daniella’s instructions and I felt that same sense of invigoration I typically feel, when I finished the class.

Let’s Go For It!

Congratulations! You completed December Ride 200K Challenge!

I got the email this morning from Strava and I have to say, I was pretty shocked to get this. I do remember joining a challenge earlier this week, thinking I would sign up and maybe, just maybe, I’ll hit the 200K mark with my spinning distance this month. I knew I was a little short of the 200K but I didn’t pay attention to how much and I figured, I’ll go for it either way.

While the uncertain feeling in signing up is not foreign to me, the feeling of going for it either way is pretty new to me. For most of my adult life, I have assumed I couldn’t do something hard. For the last five years, I steered clear of the spinning bike because I had given up on myself in that respect. I don’t know why I gave it up but something tells me that I lost that confidence in myself.

I have always been pretty focused on the number…whether it’s the number on the scale or the number in my running pace and it is only recently that I have put all of that focus aside and concentrated on doing what I do for the sake of wanting to do it. A run these days is so different from a run I did last year or a run I did when I first took up running. It’s not about how fast I am running a mile or how long it took me to run a 5k. I am running the same mile and I am running the same 5k but with a greater sense of appreciation for being able to do it. I am giving it my all but my all is coming from a different place and the pressure is off of me.

Signing up for this challenge with that sense of ‘why not?’ allowed me to unintentionally push myself to do what I enjoy doing (spinning classes) and celebrate the accomplishment that comes with going the distance. And now that I have met the challenge, I can allow myself to say ‘why not?’ to so much more in the coming year.

Reflections

There is still a week left before we say goodbye to 2024 but I’ve had a chance to reflect on this past year and wanted to share the highs and lows and everything in between. I started out the year with a sense of wanting to get as many walks and runs in as I could before I had my hysterectomy on January 29. I knew I would be in recovery mode for a good six weeks afterwards and I wanted to be as in shape as possible for the surgery and its recovery. I also went into the surgery with the mantra – running will be there. I meant it when I wrote it and I meant it when I said it out loud to others and I meant it in the many moments I reminded myself before and after the surgery.

Running was there but it came much later than I had expected. I figured, six weeks but it wound up being more like a week shy of three months. I followed a very thought-out plan that Jeff set up and I eased my way back into things, first with walks and then walks on the treadmill with a 30 or 45 second jog mixed in and then a full mile on April 21. I was officially back to running in mid May but things really took a nosedive with me mentally and it would take another three months until I came to terms with it all.

The year saw me back at it with running with groups —- the NJR group and the Aurora ladies on Sunday mornings, the Cleveland Pathfinders on Wednesday evenings — a very early morning run with Kasey out in Hudson and a few trail runs with Jeff when we were able to make things work with both of our schedules. I was in and out of Cleveland a lot and in Israel more and more and so it didn’t allow me to participate in all that many races. I did run the Gathering Place 5k in June after a few years of missing out for one reason or another and I placed first in my age group at the Classic at Mastick 5k in August!

So it was in August that I had one of those talks with Jeff…you know…the ones we have in our schmoozing time before I actually start working out in our training sessions. I think we were talking about my joining him and his Pathfinders running group for an upcoming trail run and I expressed uncertainty and doubt about my being able to keep up with them during the run. He called me out, albeit nicely, on my lack of confidence and suggested I had been lacking the confidence over the last several months that I had worked so hard at gaining over time. He said something was holding me back from having the confidence in myself…not just with running but with my overall exercise. He recalled how I was at my best self, confidence wise, back when I was spinning a few times a week and adding swimming to my routine. I thought about everything he said and realized he was right AND that I could turn things around on my end. I went to my favorite spin class the very next day and came out of it on such a high. It had been just about five years since I had last spun yet as soon as I got back on the bike and was a part of that Friday morning class, it was as if I had never stopped. The following week, I dusted off my bathing suit for a swim at the JCC and I felt the same feeling of ‘I’m back!’

While I haven’t swum since September, I have been a regular spinner! I joined the local gym in Israel where they have spinning classes throughout the week and I have been loving the classes there! I may not understand every word or instruction but I feel this adrenaline rush as I’m following along with the class and it’s a rush I feel in the hours after I’m done. Training wise, Jeff tells me that I am back to where I was at my best. I’m lifting heavier weights again and my form is better with those TRX lunge/high knees that were looking pretty pathetic not too long ago. Things with running turned around confidence wise back in August when I showed up at the first of two runs with Jeff’s running group. I was told it would be roughly three and a half miles…no biggie for me.. and no one is left behind, no matter the pace. Jeff stuck with me on that run all the way through and that run wound up being 4.7 miles! While I questioned Jeff later that evening about whether he had intentionally misrepresented the distance as something of a test (I won’t say ‘lie’), he said I didn’t need a test to show me I was capable but I needed to see behind the proverbial curtain #2. I did my second run with the group a week later and that was most definitely a test but one I passed. I ran with Jeff and two other guys on the trails near Canal Road and managed to slip into the water and bang myself up a bit yet I got right back up and kept on going…through the woods and in the dark. I blogged about that trail ran that made me a BAMR and it was published by Another Mother Runner in late September.

I signed a contract with Library Tales Publishing in June to publish my manuscript about my fitness journey and I am looking forward to the editing process at the start of 2025. My youngest daughter got engaged in November and I am using her May 2025 wedding as just one of the many why’s to keep things going activity wise. I am in this…physically, emotionally and mentally…and while it took me a while to get back my motivation and that drive to be my best self, I am there and I can’t and I won’t let myself go backwards again.

Embracing This Feeling

I am in a place right now where I am happy with myself for the first time in a really long time. It has nothing whatsoever to do with my weight or my dress size and it has everything to do with a sense of glory and contentment that I haven’t known in a really long time.

Jeff remembers me being like this. I don’t. I am running with a feeling of appreciation and a heightened motivation to do it because I want to, not because I have to. I have been going to spinning classes and I am loving it! I know I’m not the fastest in the room and I don’t care…I go at my own pace and I am starting to see a difference in how my clothes fit. I am enjoying the rush I feel during the class and I feel the adrenaline in the hours afterwards and it makes me want to keep doing this as long as I possibly can.

This ‘routine’ of mine feels right. It’s something along the lines of what I was doing five or six years ago but so much has changed. I’m doing each run and spinning classes because I can and because I want to. I’m not in training for a race but I am in training for my life. It’s not about the amount of miles I run or how long I spun..I’m not competing with myself or anyone else and that sense of pressure I used to put on myself is no longer dictating things. And it feels really good.

Trending Higher

I don’t like to depend on the comment from Strava I get each week about how I did. I have had that note to tell me I’ve been keeping things steady and I’ve gotten a pat on the back for having taking it easy (I got a lot of those in the six weeks or so that I was recovering from surgery earlier this year). I know that at the end of the day, it’s my opinion that matters and I don’t need an app or a scale or a measurement of my hips to define my effort.

This past week, I have posted my activities each day and I see that comment on Strava that is there to greet me – Trending Higher. Well, yes I am trending higher. I ran five miles this past Wednesday and I haven’t done that in quite a while. And that run felt amazing and I actually felt that I could have continued on with the run and that is something I haven’t felt in quite a while. I did two spinning classes. My training sessions have increased in intensity as I am doing more lifting and heavier lifting at that. My motivation is higher. My effort is higher. So yeah, Strava — I am trending higher.